The Pretty Pear

Annnnd I'm back

Alright! I promised I'd be back today and here I am! My head is cleared and I have a better idea of what I want from this blog. Part of that involved clearing out some content and other things, namely the contact form. I got so much miscellaneous email, it got to be kind of a bummer (some of it was great, the rest... not so much). I'll put it back eventually but I kind of need to blog inside my own bubble right now.

Some things to note:

1. I'm giving up on making this blog 100% about clothes. I can't do it anymore. Every time I thought of something non-clothing related I wanted to write about, I got sad because I felt like it was deviating from the main topic and no one would want to read it. Tough titties. I'm writing about whatever I want now. If you don't like it, too bad.

2. I might write a lot, or a little, or not at all, or too much. The worst thing about having a blog is the constant anxiety that you're not doing it right. I'm giving up on doing it right. When I try to do it right, I end up not doing it at all. I've been blogging for over ten years (yes, really) so if I haven't figured out how to do it right by now, I probably never will and I might as well have fun instead.

3. The #1 thing people tell me they want to see more of on this blog is pictures of me. I get it, people like to see pictures of real women wearing clothes. The thing is, I'm not photogenic at all (no, really). I'll try to post more pictures but if you want to know what I'm wearing it's pretty much always PJ pants and a tank top or jeans, a tank top, and a hoodie. I work from home!

4. My dog is awesome and adorable and she's much more photogenic than I am. I hope you like pictures of dogs.

5. That's all. Leave a comment and say hello.

Some personal updates

Hi folks! Have you missed me? I’ve had so much going on lately (on purpose, really). I thought I’d just share some of what’s new. Most of it is great but there’s a not so great thing, too. I’ll start with the great.

I got a dog! Her name is Joy. She’s a Shetland Sheepdog/Australian Shepherd mix (as far as we can tell anyway). She was pulled from a shelter in Michigan the day she was scheduled to be euthanized. She was so shut down and terrified that the people at animal control didn’t think anyone would want her.

Her foster mom brought her down here to Illinois and worked with her for five weeks. She’s gone from being a scared, nervous wreck of a dog to a delightful little girl who I just adore. She’s still quite anxious and jumpy but she’s getting better every day. She’s on the bed with me right now, destroying a stuffed lizard. She even has her own blog, if you’re interested but I’m sure she’ll make lots of appearances here, too.

I’ve been in my new apartment for about three weeks. I’m all settled in and now I’m in the furnishing and decorating phase. This apartment is twice the size of my old one, so I have plenty of space to spread out still. My next project will be setting up my home office, so that’s fun!

I turned 30 over this past weekend which wasn’t bad at all, especially since I totally distracted myself with moving and getting a dog. I decided that I’d do something positive instead of wasting energy on being bummed out about my birthday and it worked great. I feel like I’m entering the next phase of my life and I have a furry little companion with me!

The only really negative thing going on right now is that I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. I’ve known for months and months that something was going on with me physically and I’m glad that I have a diagnosis now. It also explains the constant exhaustion, anxiety, etc. It really is a pain in the ass but it’s treatable. I had a sleep study last week with the CPAP machine and I slept better than I have in months. I’m excited to get my own machine and start sleeping normally again.

If you suspect that you have sleep apnea, I urge you to consult your doctor. It seems like a minor disorder but it can be deadly. And also keep in mind that sleep apnea doesn’t just happen to fat people and snoring isn’t the only symptom. I actually snore very little, sometimes not at all, and I have moderate to severe sleep apnea. If you’re tired all the time, talk to your doctor.

A glimpse of what’s to come

Hello! I’m really excited about life right now. I’ve been quite down since before the holidays - mega stressed out and shall we say, emotionally tender. It kind of all spiraled to the point of going back on an anti-depressant, which certainly wasn’t in my plans but had to be done. I’m on it more for anxiety than for depression but it has certainly helped with my mood.

I’m emerging from a lengthy funk and I have a lot ahead of me. I’ve found a wonderful apartment that I’ll be moving into at the end of this month. It’s in a whole new neighborhood where there are lots of things to see and explore.

The building is extremely pet friendly, so I’ll be getting the dog I’ve been sulking about for the past four years. I’m very much a doggie person so I expect that getting my own dog will bring even more happy into my life. The chances that the dog will be obnoxiously well-accessorized and doted on hover around 110%.

My new apartment is twice the size of the one I’m in now, which is fantastic and above my expectations. It has a small second bedroom which will be my work/creative space (let’s avoid the word office) and THREE clothing closets. I know, it’s awesome. Don’t even get me started on the linen closet in the bathroom.

I’m excited about all that, plus I’m turning 30 on March 20th. Because my birthday is on the first day of spring and the first day of the zodiac, I feel like the universe is aligning and saying GET MOVING, GIRL

I’ve felt so stuck and confused about this blog. I’ve decided to just let go and follow my own intuition. It’s hard to not get wrapped up in what other people think, what they want from me, what they expect from me, and the people who would love to benefit from my own apathy and failure.

It can feel like the whole world is expecting the very best from me, more than I can give. I also feel like there are people who are hoping I’ll fall flat on my face, sneak off into the dark and disappear. Or it’s all in my head. Either way, my feelings toward the whole blogging thing have become dysfunctional and just bad.

This is the thing – this blog was never supposed to be a personal blog or at all about me. But in making this blog not about me, I’ve lost the connection with it and with you. It feels like a chore sometimes and there’s little joy in it. I want to change that. So instead of doing what I do – planning, thinking, formulating – I’m just going to let go. If you like what I write, great. If not, that’s OK, too.

I don’t know when I’ll be back to a regular posting schedule but I do have a giveaway planned very soon, so stayed tuned for that. I’ll be busy for the next month or two, getting moved and settled. I think I’ll document some of it here. In the meantime, ask me some questions! I'm having fun with that.

Why yes, I am alive.

I’ve (obviously) decided to take a blogging vacation. I’m not sure when I’ll be back in earnest but yes, I will most definitely be back.

I just need some time to take care of life stuff (moving, having a minor emotional meltdown about turning 30, getting a dog!) and figuring out a direction for this blog. The topic will stay the same, I just desperately need a new approach and to shake things up.

In the meantime, I invite you to follow my personal twitter and check out my other blog.

Just some stuff!

I have been so stressed out and tired recently. I have posts that I need to write but man, my brain is not going to be piecing together anything great, at least not today. I’ll also be away on a work trip all of next week so posting may be sporadic for a little bit.

Remember way back in late April when I quit smoking? Well, I promised an update so, here we are. I have smoked since then but I’m not a smoker. I’d guess I’ve smoked about 10 cigarettes total. Considering I could smoke that many in a single day before, I’d say I’ve done super well. I did smoke a couple over this past weekend in a moment of weakness but it didn’t do much for me, honestly.

I’m past the point where I think about smoking on an everyday basis. Now, it’s mostly just when I’m super stressed, around someone smoking (which isn’t even that hard to handle anymore) or if I’ve been drinking (this is the hardest!). You never really know what’s going to happen but I feel pretty confident that I’ve quit for good. I guess I’m lucky that I quit on my first real attempt and believe me, I’m really grateful. Even if I do start again in the future, at least I know I can quit if I try!

One last note: I’d like to welcome a new sponsor, Big Gals Lingerie. They carry a huge selection of plus size lingerie and clubwear, much of it in sizes up to 12X. Give them a visit!

A tale of two Twitters

Well, not so much a tale as a reminder. I maintain two Twitter accounts! I’m cuh-razy!

pearblog: updates and things directly related to this blog. This is the one to follow if you want to know when I publish a new post. I also sometimes tweet coupons and sales there that I don’t mention here. That’s right, you might be missing out!

woops: my personal Twitter that’s mostly nonsense but I have been known to say funny things on occaision and I sometimes link to interesting stuff. This is the one to follow if you want to know what I’m up to, in 140 characters or less.

I quit smoking on Tuesday!

I’ve been hesitant to say that I’ve actually quit because that implies that I’ll never smoke another cigarette ever again. That’s my goal but realistically, a lot of people who quit fail on the first attempt, if not the first several attempts. I’m trying really hard, though and I’m doing pretty great!

I’ve been using nicotine lozenges to take the edge off the cravings. They’re kind of gross, though and give me a headache. I can’t imagine quitting cold turkey without some kind of nicotine replacement but I hope I can ditch the lozenges soon. I’ll take them as long as I need to, though.

I’ve been smoking since high school. I know I was about 15 the first time I took a little puff (and subsequently gagged like crazy) but I don’t recall when I became an actual smoker. I do know that I became more hooked in college because I could smoke in my dorm room (they’ve since banned that!).

Anyway, that means that I’ve been smoking for about 14 years. I’m not a heavy smoker but I am fully addicted. I’ve never tried to quit so I figured I’d at least give myself the chance. The funny thing is that I’ve never really gotten much from smoking. It’s just a pacifier that I’ve come to resent more and more over time.

There’s also the issue of being OMGDEATHFAT* and a smoker. Some fat people don’t like to eat in public. This fat person doesn’t like to SMOKE in public. I can FEEL people judging me!

I’m not quitting because of the social stigma but we’ll just add it to the pile of reasons, I guess. I hate that people think I really don’t care about myself or my health because I’m fat and I smoke. I made a stupid decision when I was young and got addicted. SORRY.

I will miss smoking, though. It’s a tough habit to break. I’m only a few days into it and I’ve had moments of frustration so intense that I cried a little. Just a little! I did tell my boyfriend that I’m allowed to have at least one or two major temper tantrums at some point. My fuse is shorter than usual but I’m trying not to be a hellbeast about it.

There are already good things happening, though! What people don’t tell you is that your sense of smell will come back very suddenly. It’s the weirdest thing, I can’t even explain it. It’s like the volume on my nose was turned up. I’ve clearly been wearing too much perfume, hah!

I’ll be sure to update on my progress, even if I do slip up. If you’ve quit smoking and have tips, please let me know what’s helped you.

* Death Fat is the weight at which random strangers become “concerned for your health,” above and beyond the weight at which they’re just offended that your fat ass has the nerve to exist in their range of vision.

I need your input!

Update: I've decided to keep everything to one blog but I'll keep this post here so you know what to expect. Thanks to everyone who commented, I really appreciate your input!

So here's the thing - I haven't been into buying clothes very much recently because I'm trying not to spend too much money and save my pennies. I think everyone is pretty much in that same boat. I do still look of course, I can't really help myself. I know that a lot of you out there really do enjoy this blog (thank you, thank you) so I don't ever want to stop writing about plus size fashion (really, never!).

Having said that, I have other things on my mind that I'd like to talk about, other than fashion. They are related to life as a fat woman, size acceptance, and more personal topics, too. I've been reluctant to include those thoughts here because this is, after all, primarily a fashion blog.

Having said all that, I'm wondering if I should start a separate blog and keep this one to just fashion or if I should say what the heck and just write whatever comes to mind, right here in one place. I know a lot of people get super annoyed when a blog goes off topic so I want to know what you think.

Would you rather:

- I keep this blog to just fashion and start a separate blog for the non-fashion topics or
- Write it all here and if you don't want to read my ramblings, you can skip to the next post.

Leave a comment and let me know what you think. I don't usually make decisions like this based on a democratic vote but I've been thinking about this for a long time and I'm torn as to which direction to go. My inclination is to just keep everything in one blog so perhaps I'm just looking for reassurance.

Happy holidays and a (short) hiatus

Thank you everyone for entering my giveaway! I chose a winner yesterday and sent off her prize and donation to the Lifelong AIDS Alliance. All in all, the giveaway was a great success and a nice way to celebrate Christmas :)

I'm going to take the holidays as an opportunity to regroup and figure out my vision for this blog for the upcoming year. I definitely feel like I'm stuck in a rut and need to shift gears a little, or maybe a lot. I know what I want this weblog to become, I just have to figure out how to make that happen.

I may post special coupons and such but posting will be very light otherwise. Thank you for making 2008 a great year. I'll be back soon!

Oh! And if you have ideas/suggestions/feedback about the blog in the meantime, please leave a comment on this post and tell me.

Some random thoughts

I'm trying to muster up some excitement about clothes for fall, shoes, and whatever but really, I'm pretty bummed out from CNN overload, the economy, this crazy election and other crap. I'll need to think of some fun things to post about to take my mind off the not-fun things going on right now.

I know I'm not the only one who's concerned about the economy and is hesitant to spend money on non-essentials. This makes it hard to come up with stuff to write about when your blog is basically about shopping. I'm trying to reconcile my nearly obsessive need to think about clothing (and shoes,  handbags, makeup...) with my awareness that most of us are struggling right now at least a little, if not a whole lot.

I'm not feeling the strain personally, not yet. I don't have kids, a house, a car, or much of anything, quite honestly. I don't have little ones to feed and clothe. It's just me. But I still worry - that I'll never be able to buy a home, be able to comfortably start a family, or save for retirement.

But I don't worry that it will always be like this. I worry because that's what I do, not because I believe good things won't happen or that bad things are inevitable. I worry but I know the tide will turn.

So this is all to say that hey, I am bummed out right now and I think we all should be bummed out right now, if not seriously alarmed. There's some crazy shit going down. It's like we are all, collectively, standing at a crossroads and no one knows which direction we'll choose. You don't know what insanity you'll wake up to or how to plan for a future that's so uncertain.

It certainly helps to have something to believe in. I personally have hitched my hope wagon to the Obama train. I'm not going to tell you who to vote for because that's your damn business. But I will tell you that having someone like Obama to look up to and truly, deeply believe in makes this all a little easier to handle. It doesn't make me totally psyched about the craziness going on right now but it does make me hopeful for the future.

It's totally human to look to someone or something else for an answer, any answer. It could be God, it could be a politician, it could be yourself. But to worry for the future with no vision of something better is a road to despair and defeat. I don't plan to be defeated and I do not live in despair.

Five years

I forgot to mention it at the time but this blog's 5th birthday was on July 17th. That's right, five years. I'm pretty sure that's about 20 years in internet time! I was planning to do a big 5th birthday post, giveaway, etc. and chances are I might still do that, just not today. Today I want to relax and be lazy :)

Thanks for reading my blog, commenting, emailing, etc. I would've given up a long time ago without the support of you awesome people.

Nikki Blonsky, Father Arrested

Usmagazine.com: Hairspray's Nikki Blonsky, Father Arrested.

Hairspray's Nikki Blonsky and her father were arrested Wednesday after getting into a fight with a woman at Providenciales International Airport in Turks and Caicos.

Seriously?? Nikki, honey, come ON.

Camera dodging

I went to my little niece's third birthday party last weekend and at some point, my sister forced me into a picture with my parents and grandmother. Well, maybe forced is the wrong word. I was standing there and she took a picture. Anyway, I just saw the picture and this was my internal dialogue:

"Hey, I don't look as big as I thought! Wait.. is it bad for me to think that? Maybe I don't look as big because of the way I'm standing. I should write a post about how I don't look as big as I thought I do in pictures. Why do I always avoid taking pictures? I'm not photogenic but there's like, no photographic evidence of my existence. That's sad. Ok, I'll crop the family out and post the picture! Wait. My not so fat is someone else's omg fat. I don't want to be someone else's omg fat. Ok, no picture."

Happy anniversary to adipositivity!

If you haven't visited adipositivity, you really should take a look through the archives at all of the beautiful photography of fat women. It's not safe for work but the photographs are always tasteful.

The site has been around for a year and I'm still often taken aback by seeing photographs of women whose bodies look like mine. Some of them look so much like mine that it's almost jarring. Images like these can be profoundly liberating if you're used to a society that wants nothing more than to hide fat bodies.

It's a much-needed contribution to the world of photography and to the lives of women like me who are told, subtly or overtly, to hide our bodies away so no one can see.

Got to let it be.

I always feel bad when I go a few days without posting here but, in my own defense, I've been stressed out lately. I'm giving myself a little break, especially because tomorrow is my birthday. Woohoo. I'll be back in full swing next week.

In honor of me, I demand that you watch this video of my favorite Madonna moment ever. It's awesome on so many levels.