The story of my first ever pap smear

Yes, this is going to be a complete overshare. But I know that there is at least one woman out there who has put off getting a pap smear for years, or has never gotten one at all, out of fear. It could be fear of the unknown, fear of being shamed about your body, or just anxiety about doctors in general. So I'm sharing my story, as a total doctor-phobic fat woman, so that it might help calm the fears of someone out there. You have the right to quality health care and that includes your reproductive health.

So a little back story - I've never had a pap smear, breast exam, pelvic exam or any of that. I'm 30 years old and I'm certainly old enough to know better. But I also know that some doctors are lacking respect and compassion for people of size. It wasn't until I found a doctor who I actually liked and trusted that I decided I was ready to have my first exam.

My gynocologist is also my primary care doctor so I've seen her before and liked her personality and sense of humor. She's very laid back, firm but not too pushy, and sensitive to my fears. Basically, I felt I could trust her to not be a jerk about my size.

I'll just get to the exam - temperature and blood pressure taken (118/70 thankyou), weighed (I've turned down being weighed in the past with minimal to-do), undressed, fluffy white bathrobe on. Yes, my doctor has nice spa robes instead of those paper gowns. I brought a pair of fuzzy socks, more for the feeling of being less naked than anything.

She explained what would happen during the exam, showing me the plastic speculum and the tools she'd use to scrap samples from my cervix. She even scraped one against my hand so I could feel that it doesn't hurt. She assured me that she'd tell me before she touched me and she'd tell me what she was doing the whole time.

First, she did the breast exam. She looked at my breasts while I was sitting up and then I laid down so she could check for lumps and bumps. It was uncomfortable but not painful. I guess that would depend on your breasts and where you are in your cycle. If you're ticklish, you might squirm a bit.

Then she had me scooch down so my butt was right at the end of the table and my feet were in the stirrups. I'm sure this depends on your doctor's set-up but my feet weren't as high up or as far apart as I was expecting. There's a blanket over your legs so you're not hanging out everywhere.

She made sure everything was all set and then told me she was going to touch me to check the outer genital area. That was squirmy but she was gentle and quick. Then she told me she was inserting the speculum, which didn't hurt at all. Then she opened the speculum so she could see inside to my cervix. That did hurt but not a lot.

She quickly examined the cervix and took two samples, neither of which I really felt. I've heard that it does sometimes hurt for some women but I didn't feel a thing. I was really expecting that to hurt a little but it didn't.

After the samples were taken, she removed the speculum and told me the next part would be cold and wet. She used goopy lube on her fingers so she could insert those into my vagina, pressing up from inside while pressing down on top from the outside to feel my ovaries and uterus. This part hurt the most and I nearly squirmed right after the table. She was kind about it and basically said "I know this sucks but we're done!" She made sure to hand me a box of tissues to take care of the goop.

We talked a little about what kept me from getting the exam for so long. I told her that when you've always been fat, you stop expecting people to treat you respectfully. But I just kept telling myself that I'm lucky that I have access to healthcare and that I should just man up and do it. She agreed and said "You have the right to quality healthcare."

I'd say the whole exam lasted less than 6 - 7 minutes and while it wasn't the most fun I've ever had, it wasn't scary or a nightmare or anything traumatizing at all. I know that I'm lucky to have a doctor who has a nice bedside manner and not all doctors are like that. I only know that she's nice because I gave her a chance to be nice. If you never go to A doctor, you'll never find YOUR doctor. I actually found her on Yelp, so that might be a good place to at least start. A lot of women go to the same ob/gyn for years, so ask your friends, sisters, aunts, etc.

I'm guessing my experience is more typical than the horror stories about doctors being mean to fat women. I know that does happen and that's what kept me away for so long but I just can't let fear decide whether I'm sick or well. The pap came back normal except for a minor bacterial infection. I didn't really have any noticeable symtoms so without the pap, I may not have known until it had gotten worse.

So, that's that. One more fear I've conquered in a long line of things that are never as scary as I think they'll be. I even got a lollipop for being a good patient.

Comments

[Cassy]

Good for you being so brave! I've been going to different doctors since I can't even remember when. What's weird is I actually had an easier time finding a GYN than finding my primary care doctor. I just turned 26 and I also JUST found a primary doctor after going about 5 years without (after a devastating experience with one telling me that everything that was wrong with me was because I was fat basically) It's hard to find the courage to try again (or try at all) but I encourage everyone to be as brave as you, no matter what your age, and look (or keep looking) WE know there is a way to live as healthy as possible while still being overweight and there ARE doctors out there who may not agree, but can be respectful because it's my body and my choice what I do with it.

[Jackie]

Thanks for sharing for those who are scared!
I've been getting paps since I was a teenager because my period is never normal. That said, I am not very flexible and I'm deathfat, so I sometimes find it hard to get in the stirrups and scooch up to the end of the table for the doctor to do the exam. Usually I just force myself to do it and stay there until cramps, but this past time I couldn't even force myself all the way down to the end of the table.
My doc is super cool though, and the only reason you have to be to the end is because the speculum has a screw that hangs down, so she flipped the speculum upside down and did it that way. Just an idea for others who might have that same problem.

[The Wellrounded mama]

Please remember that you don't have to see an OB-GYN for appointments like these. You have other choices too.

Midwives do well-woman care as well as maternity care, and are often quite a bit more size-friendly and woman-friendly than doctors.

Nurse-practitioners are available in many doctors' practices as well, and many do routine things like pap smears, breast exams, routine physicals, etc.

Nothing wrong with seeing an OB-GYN if you know a good one, but it's not a requirement. And in fact, many women find much more size-friendly care from midwives or NPs, and these are usually covered under most insurances as easily as OBs.

Good for you for finally getting this done!

[Colleen]

Mama, I totally agree. I just like to go to one doctor for as much as possible. I'd go to her for a teeth cleaning if she offered it ;)

[lesa parnham]

It is so strange that you posted this today. I have my first pap in 4 years scheduled on Oct.1 I woke up in the middle of the night last night in a total panic attack because of this.

The last time I went in for a pap test, the Dr. (a stupid, insensitive man) freaked out told me I probably had cancer, my husband was in Canada and I was home by myself. He told me that my husband had to come home from Canada right away. He also told me I couldn't drive??? But I needed to go see a Gynocolgist Oncologist, right away, that day! I called a friend, who took me to the other side of town, waited for hours, the oncologist took one look at me, took some samples and matter-of-factly, like it was no big deal. Said "you don't have cancer".

After this horrifying experience I have put it off for too long. I found a woman Dr. don't know if she is good or not. But I am already scared to death and spent last night crying because I always think the worst and can't imagine my children growing up without me.

Then I logged on and found your calm email, thank you (even though I'm still scared) I'm a little calmer.

[Godless Girl]

I've never gone to this appointment either, and I'm 27! I haven't told anyone because I find it to be embarrassing and a sign of how little I must care for myself. I found this post very encouraging, and I'll try to take the plunge soon :)

[Karen]

Good for you! I also get my routine gynecological stuff from my regular doctor. She, for the record, has never once said a word to me about my weight. Given that I do not now nor have I ever had any health conditions that are likely to be due to my weight, I see this as just perfect. (I'm a 22/24.) I do get weighed, though, because I'm still a little too screwed up weight to trust my own judgement about whether my body has changed, and do want to know if there are drastic changes that could mean something is wrong.

Anyway, the pap is a little uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally, but not that bad for me in the grand scheme of things. Flu shots hurt a lot more, and cancer would be infinitely more traumatic, so in my book it's well worth it. Having a compassionate doctor and nurse handling this for me makes all the difference.

I'd strongly, strongly urge anyone who is holding off on getting any kind of health care due to concerns about weight discrimination to reconsider. It's daunting to think of facing potentially rude doctors, but knowing that you really are healthy and that you can get effective treatment when you need it grants SUCH peace of mind. Just like looking for a job, it's a collosal, enormous aggravation, but is well worth it in the end. You are worth it.

[emily]

everything's scarier when you don't know what to expect. i am glad you detailed your story for others who haven't gone yet. sounds exactly like all the paps i've had. i hope this encourages women who have been putting it off to schedule a pap today, especially if you are sexually active, or ever have been, you NEED to do it, no matter what your age. Any amount of potential embarassment for 10 minutes is completely worth having your sexual health peace of mind.

[Melissa Etheridge]

It's very hard to find the courage women but I encourage everyone who are very brave ..Very Happy that you detailed your story for others who haven't gone yet...http://www.facebook.com/pages/Viva-Magazine-Your-Premium-Womens-Natural-Health-Magazine/262734921452?ref=ts i can manage any scary situavation ...

[Alex]

As strange as it must have felt to post this out to the world, it is definitely the right thing to do. This stuff needs to be done and demistified for other people to know its ok.

Thanks for the (over);)share Colleen!