I went to my little niece's third birthday party last weekend and at some point, my sister forced me into a picture with my parents and grandmother. Well, maybe forced is the wrong word. I was standing there and she took a picture. Anyway, I just saw the picture and this was my internal dialogue:
"Hey, I don't look as big as I thought! Wait.. is it bad for me to think that? Maybe I don't look as big because of the way I'm standing. I should write a post about how I don't look as big as I thought I do in pictures. Why do I always avoid taking pictures? I'm not photogenic but there's like, no photographic evidence of my existence. That's sad. Ok, I'll crop the family out and post the picture! Wait. My not so fat is someone else's omg fat. I don't want to be someone else's omg fat. Ok, no picture."
So... I managed to go from OK to EEK in the matter of, what, a minute? The me I see in pictures isn't the same me I see in the mirror and it's a shock every time. And it's not even that I don't realize I'm fat or that I feel bad about it, it's just shocking to see myself.
I have to wonder why I routinely avoid cameras? I should be taking more pictures so that I can get used to seeing what I actually look like. It's all really dumb. I know I'm fat, I'm OK with it, but I don't want it on film.
I think I know what it is - I don't want other people to see that picture and think "Wow, that poor girl. She'd be so pretty..."
Yup, that's it. Damn.
I have no real point here other than to say that it's a damn shame and it's something I need to work on. My family and friends should have lots of pictures of me. They don't see "omg fat" they see "Hey, remember that time...?" and that's what matters. The people who matter won't think "That poor girl."
And at some point, my nieces are going to wonder why there are a billion photos of them with their skinny aunts and almost none with Aunt Colleen. I don't want to be like that. I want to teach them that I'm fat and that's OK. I'm also an awesome aunt who loves them and was there on their birthdays and at the zoo or whatever. In the event that I have children, it'd probably be nice if there were pictures of me for them to hold onto forever and ever. I'm basically worried about the opinions of people I don't know and don't care about. What?
Now I'm sad. I'll need to work on this one.
I completely get what you're saying. I avoid cameras like the plague and I have since I was about 13. But I was a bride not so long ago and that was insane. I wasn't stressed about anything, except the idea of being "the person" photographed. I focused on our ceremony and on the reception and experiencing my wedding day but I was ever aware that my picture was being taken. I know I was pretty; it was my wedding day and I was glowing and superbly happy. But I almost needed therapy to actually look at the pictures weeks later.
There definitely is some craziness in the disparity between how one sees oneself and how the lens sees us. And I'm with you on working on "getting over it" and allowing myself to be a part of my family and friends' memories on camera. It's definitely a process, though!
Posted by: Veronica | July 17, 2008 at 11:29 PM
I *SO* used to be like you - dodging the camera or, at the very least, making sure at least half my body was behind someone else.
But lately, I've been standing with pride at the front for the camera. Because you know what? You don't look any bigger or smaller on camera than you do in real life. And the people that want to look at the photos are mostly the people that know you in real life (pictures posted on an awesome blog obviously excepted!).
And remember Joy's latest rant - how we look back at photos and think 'I was SO cute!'. Well, you are STILL cute and in ten years time you'll look at the photos of you today and will say 'I was SO cute back then!'.
Unless you aren't in any photos. And that would be a sad thing.
Posted by: sandra | July 18, 2008 at 03:53 AM
The me I see in pictures isn't the same me I see in the mirror and it's a shock every time.
Yeah, me too. Specifically, the me in pictures is fatter. I don't know if that's because when I look in the mirror I'm not seeing what's there, or because the camera really does add weight, but either way I don't like it. I've managed to accept the body I see in the mirror but not the fatter one in pictures.
I don't actually avoid being in pictures, I just avoid looking at them afterward. But I'm going to have to get over that before I get my wedding pictures.
Good luck working on your own picture issues.
Posted by: Becky | July 18, 2008 at 12:45 PM
This is very therapeutic for me. I feel the exact same way, to the point where others comment on me not being in photos. I usually cover my a$$ by being the one taking the photo (no, I don't mind, let me). But, I am getting married soon and have been doing a lot of self talk to try to get used to the idea of being photographed. I'm sorry that others go through this and wish we could all pull our shoulders up, smile, and stand tall in photos without worrying about perceptions.
Posted by: Carrie | July 18, 2008 at 12:48 PM
Me, too! I am okay with who I see in the mirror, but the me in pictures freaks me out. I can't reconcile the two. I also am okay with being photographed so long as I don't have to see the evidence later. And, I, too, am getting married soon and scared about having photos taken.
And why do some photos come out looking like "me" and some not? And why can't anyone else see the difference? It's all so weird.
Posted by: Miss Laura Mars | July 18, 2008 at 02:45 PM
the flash flattens everything. This makes you look much larger than you are.
Posted by: helen | July 19, 2008 at 09:42 PM
This is rough, I know. For years I've been a horrible dodger, spending many of them being the one holding the camera as a tactic.
This wouldn't work for everyone, but I started doing a 365 set on flickr to see if taking photos of myself would help. I'm just over 30 days in, and it's working: I don't hate seeing pictures of me nearly as much as I used to. I admit that you can't see much of me every day...but I instituted a Friday Face, which guarantees at least one face photo every week.
If you don't have time for 365 Days, there's a 52 Weeks project as well. :)
Posted by: Susan (Plum Texan) | July 20, 2008 at 01:23 AM
I totally understand where you're coming from. I hate having my picture taken, hate looking at pictures of myself because I am either much larger or not as large as I think I am (depending on my mood usually it seems...) and it sends me into this cycle of thinking that, well, sounds a lot like yours.
Of course, my wedding is in a little over two weeks and the idea of being photographed endlessly, all day, is stressing me out. LOL.
Posted by: suze | July 23, 2008 at 06:32 AM
Girl! Embrace your size! After becoming a member of the BFAB Society (Big Fat Ass Babes) Society, I have learned so many empowering things that have helped me just accept me for who I am, what I look like in pictures, and love it. It's all Good!
Posted by: Melissa | July 26, 2008 at 09:56 PM
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” Dr. Seuss
It's my favorite quote...I live by it. I'm a big girl living in a world that thinks I should be several sizes smaller and doesn't make it any easier for me to lose weight because I am made to feel bad about it. But at the end of the day, if I stayed true to myself and stuck close to the ones I love, everything else in the world just doesn't seem to matter anymore.
Posted by: Ju | October 14, 2008 at 10:42 PM
I've been camera doding since i hit puberty and still haven't stopped. I just nominate myself as the photographer for any family event and unfortunately, it works like charm for me not to be in any photographs.
Posted by: noni | June 14, 2009 at 05:08 AM