Something I need to get off my chest

I have to confess something. Before I even write it all out, and before anyone can call me a hypocrite, I'm going to say - yes, what I'm about to say goes against everything I've written here. But please keep in mind that despite all the banter about clothes and shoes and all that, I'm human and sometimes, humans slip up.

I've been dieting.

Well, I was dieting, for about a month and a half. I was counting calories, measuring food, the whole nine. I'm not even sure how it really happened. One day I decided that I wanted to eat better, I remembered the good articles and stuff on SparkPeople, and then... I was dieting. I set out to make myself healthier and hopefully a little happier and then I slipped right into the weight loss fantasy. I really did want to just eat in a more balanced way and cut back on sugar because I saw that it was making me more tired and drained. How did that become calorie counting? It's an easy progression that happened before I even realized it.

And here's the really stupid part - I know that diets don't work, at least not for me and probably not for most people, either. I've been writing this blog for a few years and in that time, I've read a lot about how dieting is ultimately bad for you, physically and emotionally, and I did it anyway. I have all this information telling me, very reasonably, why dieting isn't a great idea and I still did it.

I lost 15 pounds and it felt like I accomplished something. This is part of the fantasy. By losing weight, I felt like I was beating... something. I don't know what.

What's worse than the dieting itself is the guilt I have about it. I feel like I've betrayed people, myself, YOU. Add that to the guilt I carry around most of the time about being fat to begin with, despite knowing that I shouldn't feel guilty... I haven't been happy.

And I realized that dieting wasn't making me feel better. It was forcing me to examine why I was dieting. Did I think it'd solve something? Did I think I'd lose weight and magically be healthier? Was I doing it just to say "Look how awesome I am at losing weight!" Because if nothing else, I always want to be really good at whatever it is I'm doing. I wanted to be really good at losing weight because I've never been good at it before.

And it brought forth all of the body image issues I have lurking around. I generally feel out of place but the fact that I was battling against my body made me feel even more out of place. Like, not only did other people not like my body, but I was actively agreeing with them. That's not nice.

So I was dieting and as far as diets go, I was doing okay, I guess. And then I went to San Francisco, where I couldn't measure my food or any of that and I. Ate. Everything. It wasn't a total free for all but I definitely ate stuff I wasn't eating while on the diet.

And you know what? The world didn't end. I didn't gain back 15 pounds in four days. My digestive system wasn't super happy but other than that, everything seems to be in working order. I didn't even feel really super guilty about it. I just ate and there was a little self-nagging but not too bad.

So after not dieting for a week, I realized that I was doing one of my biggest no-no's - putting food into GOOD and BAD categories. Like, an egg white omelet is GOOD and Pad Thai is BAD, despite the fact that I really enjoy both foods.. a lot. And I saw that dieting just made me want the bad foods more. I don't typically eat pizza three times in a week, but I did that week because it was pizza and I wanted it way more than I would if I hadn't put it in the BAD category.

Basically, it was like some weird science experiment to prove that yes, everything I've read is right and all the fat acceptance people are right and wow, I'm kind of dumb sometimes. Did I really need to experience this first hand in order to get it, REALLY get it?

Anyway, so now I'm not dieting. I'm just eating what I believe is healthy and balanced, not measuring, and trying not to put food into the good and bad slots. I do like that my clothes are fitting better and I generally have more energy, so I'm not going back to eating sugar all the freakin' time but the whole calorie counting thing isn't worth the guilt.

I'm not sure if I feel like a failure because I gave up on dieting or because I tried to diet to begin with. You have no idea the internal struggle I've had because of all this and it lasted less than two months.

And I guess this is part of being real and human. I want fat woman to feel good about themselves because why the hell shouldn't they? But I don't always feel good about myself. My self esteem has been pretty crappy lately and AS USUAL, I thought losing weight would make it better. It's happened before, I'm sure it'll happen again.

Does all this make me a hypocrite? I guess so, it probably does. Does it make my beliefs about fat acceptance any less valid? That I'm not sure about. I'm sure some people would say that I don't have any right in even participating in the fat acceptance conversation because I struggle with my own self image and even thought about dieting.

But here's the thing - I stumbled. I slipped up. I temporarily bought into the weight loss fantasy. I was proud of myself for losing a few pounds. I could sit here forever and a day examining why or how it happened but I guess it shouldn't really matter to anyone but me.

I came into this blog very unsure of what I was doing. I was just at the beginning of my own fat acceptance story and I wasn't even sure if I was really buying it. I just knew that I was one fat girl who liked clothes and wanted to talk about it. I saw that a lot of fat women felt shitty about themselves and I asked WHY? Why does this happen and what can I do, in my very limited way, to make it a teensy bit better?

But I see now that words of encouragement and girl power and yay you! aren't always enough. If you still have it in your head, no matter how buried or deep it is, that being fat is BAD, then all of the "real women have curves" catch phrases in the WORLD are not going to make you 100% comfortable with your body. There's real work involved. You have to really try and struggle and like me, you may slip a little.

But now I know this -  I lost 15 pounds in fat (or water, probably) but I didn't gain 15 pounds in happiness to replace it. I'm exactly where I was two months ago but now I feel like a traitor. It's not worth it.

You can't hate a person for dieting, and you can't blame a person for feeling shit about themselves. You have to blame the machine that feeds it, the thing that makes people feel like that. There are lots of things that are part of that machine, and it's too easy to lay the blame at the feet of women...

- Beth Ditto, from NME magazine

Comments

[Sue]

Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts. It is always great pleasure to read your posts.

[D.]

What? Why feel guilty about dieting? If you want to lose 15, 30, hell, 60 lbs for whatever reason, it's your body and your business.

[Ducky]

It seems like this topic is coming up a lot, in one form or another. I totally know what you mean about putting foods into GOOD and BAD categories and then craving all the BAD foods like crazy. It's been a personal challenge not to do that anymore.

Also, if you haven't seen it already, check out http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/2007/05/apparently_tyra.html#comments

It might not seem related until the end and the comments are wonderful!

I don't think you are a hypocrite. *hugs*

[ann]

the whole weight issue is just fraught with pitholes, i've discovered for myself. i've lost a lot of weight over the last two years very gradually but steadily. one of the major concerns i had at first was the comments people would make about my body if i did manage to lose weight. it really bothered me and i was quite upset thinking about it (it hadn't happened at that stage). because i have been severely overweight for many years i'd grown used to people looking at me critically, saying hurtful things and being dismissive because i was fat. i didn't want that assessing look that all fat people know and cringe away from to be focused on me. but i've come to realise that you can't control what other people say, just your response to it. so now, when everybody i know and some that i don't come up to me and say "you've lost a lot of weight" or something similar i try to be gracious and polite and turn the conversation elsewhere. it's interesting how people have respond differently to the thin(ner) me, a rich sociological experience! and as my journey continues, i'd like to think that it'll continue to be an interesting one. i look at some fat women and they're gorgeous and i wonder why they'd ever want to lose weight. but it's all in what you want for yourself.

i try not to weigh myself and i don't count calories, both really difficult things to do and keep on a steady path, i've discovered. i go by clothes size, but do confess to weighing myself occasionally (i'm only human), eat well and try to control portion size. the main reason for my success was hiring a personal trainer. i was on a waiting list for knee surgery and i asked her to help me get fitter and lose weight in the meantime. we're still together 2 years later and work out three times a week in a gym. she's worth HER weight in gold, not only for her knowledge of nutrition and exercise but because she's so calm about the whole thing and i'm catching it from her.

[anna]

"But I see now that words of encouragement and girl power and yay you! aren't always enough. If you still have it in your head, no matter how buried or deep it is, that being fat is BAD, then all of the "real women have curves" catch phrases in the WORLD are not going to make you 100% comfortable with your body. There's real work involved. You have to really try and struggle and like me, you may slip a little."

This is so well said. No matter how much I promote a body-positive outlook amongst my friends, I often find myself despairing when I stand in front of a mirror and making choices -- of what I will or won't eat, what I will or won't wear, and (sadly, still) what I will and won't do -- based on what I see. Everyday is a struggle for personal acceptance and love.

Your candor is wonderful -- thanks for the great post.

[jelly-filled]

Wow, this is a great post. I love your honesty. You are not alone. I gave up dieting four years ago and feel guilty whenever I have a weak moment and consider trying it again. And I also fight feelings of guilt daily for NOT trying to lose weight. Hey, we're human. Society has truly screwed with our heads as women, and pretending we're immune to it all doesn't help anybody.

[Kate Harding]

This is an awesome post, and it just goes to show how deep the brainwashing runs. No way should you feel bad about being honest.

[PJ (RightNow)]

I found the 'fat acceptance movement' only a week ago -- a series of blog links that led me to it literally by accident, from my own "lowcarb" (combination of 'diet' and 'must avoid carbs 'cause my body freaks out of 'em anyway') blog.

I feel like I need to take a wrench, screwdriver, some duct tape, and a good shower, to my own brain and belief system. I'm ambivalent and frustrated. I'm torn between what I feel intellectually (any idiot knows that the number of people diets work for is ludicrously small, besides which, why should anybody HAVE to diet? What happened to freedom and people making their own decisions?), and what I feel emotionally (I want to be the exception, I want to be able to do stuff physically and live for my little girl, maybe for me it'll be different -- and maybe if I were thin I could be even more useful for supporting that 'fat acceptance' cause. Or not. Sigh).

I feel a little like I feel when I read feminist stuff, which is fairly new to me. I'm shocked at my own biases against myself and by proxy others. I want to cure that in myself, but damn, it's hard work!

Just stay real. You are who you are. It oughtta be just FINE if you really WANT to diet, as long as it isn't accompanied by the assumption that you have to or that others should. I mean if you wanted to dye your hair it'd be nobody's business and your right, and would not necessarily be an insult to everyone on earth with your previous haircolor, so why should dieting be that way?

I know. It's a slippery slope into the quicksand of cultural norms. I don't even have my own answer right now. But I appreciate your blog.

[brittany]

i discovered fat acceptance 3 years ago, and there are still times that i think that maybe, just maybe, i could make myself shrink. then i get mad, because, you know, i'm not supposed to want that! i think this is why i can't really eat very healthy for long, because i start to and then this nagging voice in the back of my head says, hmm, you're still the same size. because when i dieted, i was STILL the same size. it's really hard to think logically when your entire society is telling you something that is completely illogical. :(